


The Name That Thang fics

by TJ_Dragonblade



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: M/M, Multi, My old writing makes me cringe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-03-01
Updated: 2003-03-07
Packaged: 2017-11-19 16:21:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/575224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TJ_Dragonblade/pseuds/TJ_Dragonblade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time, my friend Inyx-sama held a fic contest regarding names for Wufei's penis.  These were the fics I wrote in response.  For the most part, they are ridiculously cheesy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Precious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2x5. Drafted 2/25/03

"Guys?"

Three heads raised from various assorted pursuits as Wufei entered the room. Heero, sitting at a small table along the opposite wall, looked up from his hand-held Tetris game; Quatre, seated cross-legged on the floor, paused in his breathing exercises and opened one eye; and Trowa, lounging comfortably on the couch, thumbed the remote and muted the evening news. Wufei's eyes flickered briefly over each of them in acknowledgement of their attention.

"Has anyone seen Duo?"

"I ran into him early this morning in the library," Quatre offered.

"And since then?"

Everyone shrugged.

"Oh, *hells*."

"What's wrong?" Trowa asked.

"If none of you have seen him between now and then, he is most likely still *in* the library."

"And?" That was Heero.

Wufei's brows drew down with worry. "The last time he engaged in such a reading binge, he went through The Collected Works of Mark Twain in one sitting. It took him *days* to shake the dialect."

Quatre's eyes widened. "Ohhhhhhhhhh."

"And the time *before*, it was Shakespeare." Wufei's frown deepened. "Though I must admit he turned out to have quite an impressive talent for spontaneous iambic pentameter."

Trowa chuckled. "*That* would have been interesting."

Heero raised his eyebrows slightly. "So whatever he is reading now is something that you--*we*--will be subjected to for days on end?"

"Very probably." Wufei nodded.

Quatre summed it up nicely. "Oh dear..."

And, as if on cue, Duo appeared in the doorway behind Wufei. He was sporting an odd, crafty grin; his eyes darted left, right, before settling on his lover. His grin broadened; without warning he launched himself in a flying tackle-glomp at the Chinese boy.

"MINE!!"

"Oof!" Wufei turned just in time to catch the airborne American square to his midsection; they both tumbled to the floor in a heap, rolling so that Wufei ended up on top.

"Duo!" Wufei scrambled up, the process impeded by the fact that Duo's arms were now locked securely around his waist. He stumbled back a step or two, succeeding only in dragging Duo with him. "Duo, let go!"

Duo shook his head and squeezed harder, pressing his cheek tightly to Wufei's abdomen and squinching his eyes shut. "Never! We *never* lets go of the Precious!"

The other three occupants of the room glanced at each other knowingly. "Tolkien," they chorused.

"Duo!" In a great show of effort and pure strength, Wufei managed to pry the clinging boy from around his waist and stepped back a pace or two. Duo dropped to the floor in a crouch, grinning up at him.

"My Pr-r-r-recioussss..." he hissed, rolling the 'r' as his eyes fixed on the front of Wufei's pants.

"Um..." Wufei stared down at his lover, not sure exactly how to react to *that*. The devious gleam in those lilac eyes and the slight edge of insanity in that teasing voice only served to unsettle him further.

Duo stood, the motion smooth and fluid, boneless. He took a step forward; Wufei took one back. "Duo..."

Duo held his hands up in front of him, a placating gesture. "We not hurtses you, no," he cooed. "We just wantses the Precious..."

Wufei glanced helplessly at his comrades, casting about for any assistance; all three of them simply stared back, as clueless as he was about how to handle this.

Seizing on the opportunity presented by that instant's distraction, Duo darted in and sidled up to Wufei, his hand stroking firmly down the front of his lover's trousers.

Wufei jumped at the unexpected contact and flushed darkly. "Duo!"

"Precious, my Precious," the other purred, heedless of the grip pushing at his shoulder or the three witnesses to his behavior.

There was a choked sound from Heero that sounded a great deal like swallowed laughter; when Wufei glanced at the Japanese boy, he found Heero holding his Tetris game in front of his face, eyes glued determinedly to the tiny screen, fingers swiftly working the buttons while he struggled to keep a straight expression.

Quatre was little better, politely hiding his silent laughter behind a manicured fist though he could do nothing about the mirthful shaking of his shoulders. Trowa just shook his head.

"I suggest you give him what he wants, Wufei. Maybe it'll work this out of his system."

"Yes, yessss!" Duo nodded eagerly, still petting the front of Wufei's pants, which by now had grown distinctly more pettable. "Gives us the Precious, give it to us!"

"Yes. Go screw him until he's normal again." How Heero managed that without cracking up Wufei could only guess; he threw up his hands, admitting defeat, his face flaming. 

"Very well--come along, then." He moved for the stairs.

Duo grabbed a handful of the front of Wufei's slacks and skipped out merrily, Wufei in tow. Their voices drifted back to the others in the living room.

"Ow! Carefully, Duo--you are going to pull it off!"

"Ooh, so *big*! So bigsies, my Precious!"

"*In* the bedroom, Duo--I am *not* going to do you in the hallway!"

"Precious, gives us the Precious--!"

Their voices were cut off by the slamming of a door.

Quatre, Trowa, and Heero just blinked, staring at one another for a moment; then, as one, their control broke and they burst into helpless laughter.


	2. Militarily Inclined

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3x5. This fic was one of the contest winners! Yay! ^_^  
> =====  
> Started: 2/27/03  
> Drafted: 3/3/03

It was nice to wake up next to someone, Wufei decided. It was a safe, warm, comfortable feeling--someone spooned at his back, curled around him, holding him; someone softly kissing the nape of his neck; someone stroking the side of his waist, down his thigh, drifting higher again and inward toward his--

"Good morning, Wufei..."

"Mm." He stretched cat-like, casually arching into Trowa's hand as it closed around his morning erection.

"I see the General is up early, as usual." Trowa gave a little squeeze and nuzzled the back of an earlobe with the tip of his nose.

"He wakes before I do," Wufei agreed, letting his eyes drift half-open and flexing within Trowa's gentle grip. "And what about the Lieutenant?" He wriggled his backside into Trowa's hips. "I see he is up as well, like a good little soldier..." He reached behind him, drawing one slender fingertip up the underside of Trowa's shaft. "And he has such a nice, sharp salute...very impressive."

"Ever ready to serve his superiors," Trowa purred, arms wrapping snugly about Wufei's waist.

Careful not to tangle the sheets, Wufei turned in the embrace so that his head was pillowed on Trowa's shoulder and idly ran a finger over his lover's chest. "I have been meaning to ask--why *do* you call it 'The Lieutenant'?"

Trowa chuckled softly. "It's part of a conversation I overheard years ago in a merc camp. They were discussing sex and women, naturally, and someone referred to the penis as a headstrong lieutenant--usually willing to follow orders but occasionally inclined to take things into his own hands, consequences be damned."

Wufei snickered softly. "How...apt."

"That's what I thought, once I got a bit older. The name just sort of stuck..."

Wufei rose up and gazed down at Trowa, dark eyes shining, a hint of mischief playing about his mouth. "So why, then, is mine 'The General'?"

Trowa's slight smile managed somehow to look very suggestive. "Your size and prowess are superior to mine, and therefore deserve the higher rank."

"The General has never had complaint about either the Lieutenant's size *or* his prowess," Wufei purred, head dropping to nip lightly at Trowa's lips. "He performs well and admirably under all manner of...unusual circumstances."

"I'm glad to hear it." Trowa couldn't suppress a smirk at the euphemistic reference to some of their kinkier escapades, and Wufei was smiling wickedly as well.

"Then perhaps the Lieutenant deserves a promotion?" he breathed, his eyes holding Trowa's. 

"Perhaps," Trowa agreed, mesmerized.

"Good. Then we shall start with a thorough oral inspection." Wufei flashed him a mischievous grin, then turned and dove headfirst beneath the sheets.

"Wuf--ohhhhhhhh..."

And that was surely the best inspection that the Lieutenant had ever undergone.


	3. Powerpuff Stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2x3x5  
> =====  
> Started: 2/25/03  
> Drafted: 2/27/03

His lovers had had a rough day--Duo could tell the instant he walked in the door. There were little indications all over--their boots were kicked off carelessly just inside the foyer instead of lined up neatly against the wall; the coat closet door was still ajar and both Preventer's jackets were hung sloppily askew; there was no light in the kitchen and no enticing smells of Wufei's cooking drifted out to greet him.

The biggest indication, though, was the fact that the lovers in question were both sprawled on the living-room couch, the very picture of exhaustion. 

Wufei sat on one end, somewhat slouched, his head leaned back and an arm thrown over his eyes. His other hand was flung limply on Trowa's chest; Trowa was laid out along the rest of the couch, eyes closed, his head conveniently pillowed on Wufei's thigh. One arm dangled over the side and one foot rested on the floor; the other leg was propped up and angled over the arm of the couch.

"Hey, guys," Duo greeted softly, not wishing to disturb them if they actually were asleep. But one green eye cracked open to fix on him and Wufei moved sluggishly to peek out from under his forearm.

"Long day?" Duo asked as he turned to straighten the coasts and shoes beside his own.

"The day from *hell*," Trowa affirmed; and Wufei managed a soft grunt of agreement. 

"What happened?" Duo dropped into the recliner across from them. 

Wufei lowered his arm at last and shot the American a tired, lopsided smile. "Lady Une was out sick."

Duo raised an eyebrow. "*Sick*? Lady 'Come-hell-or-high-water-even-on-my-deathbed-I'll-be-at-my post' Une called in *sick*?"

Wufei just nodded.

Trowa smiled wanly. "Though I'm sure Sally had to tie her to the bed and barricade the front door to keep her home."

Duo laughed. "Yeah, I'll go with that."

Wufei sighed. "And why she saw fit to leave *us* in charge..." His head dropped back again.

Duo whistled, low and impressed. "You two ran the show today?"

They both nodded. "Though it feels more like the show ran us," Trowa added.

"Aw, guys, you shoulda called me in!" I'da helped out..."

Wufei re-opened his eyes and frowned. "No, Duo, we handled it. Besides which, you have been working twenty-two days straight--it is *far* past time for you to take a break."

"But I feel bad that you were stressin' while I was out playing..."

"You *deserve* the downtime, Duo--don't worry about it." Trowa swung long legs around and sat up with a groan. "We managed." He placed a hand at the back of his neck and rolled his head, eyes closing again.

Duo perked up. "Well at least lemme work some of that stiffness out for ya, huh?"

"Gladly."

They rearranged themselves so that Trowa was seated on the floor with Duo cross-legged on the couch behind him; Wufei remained where he was. Trowa pulled off his shirt and Duo's hands went to work on his tired, knotted shoulders.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm..." Trowa drew out after a long moment. "You're so good at this, Duo..." He gave another soft almost-moan.

Wufei shifted beside them. "May I have a turn when you are finished?" he asked.

Duo glanced over while still working on Trowa; he couldn't help but notice the bulge growing in Wufei's pants. He couldn't blame him, either--the sounds Trowa was making *were* rather arousing.

"Actually, 'Fei, it looks like Buttercup needs a massage more than you do at the moment." He nodded at the bulge.

Wufei's cheekbones colored very, very slightly even as he frowned. "'Buttercup'?"

Duo nodded. "Yeah, that's what I call it."

"You named my penis *Buttercup*?"

"Mm-hmm."

Trowa spoke up from the floor. "Do you have a name for mine as well?"

"Yep. Yours is Blossom."

There was a pause; then: "Okay...*why*?"

"'Cause your schlong's kinda the leader in the bedroom, dashing and heroic, directing us all to 'victory'!" Duo snickered.

"Uh huh." Trowa couldn't help smiling--it was too silly.

"And why, pray tell, is mine named 'Buttercup', then?" Wufei's voice was colored by amusement as well.

"Why? Because, 'Fei, you got one bad-ass willy in your drawers there, bud. I mean, Tro's no slouch and I'm a pretty good size if I do say so myself; but you’ve got us both beat, easy. And by god, you *know* how to use it."

"I'll second that," Trowa put in, leaning his head back against Duo's crossed legs as the American's hands settled lightly on his shoulders, the massage finished.

"I see." Wufei sat forward a little. "And does yours have a name, as well?"

"Nope. I hadn't come up with a good one yet."

Trowa tipped his head back and caught Duo's eye. "Why not let us name it for you, then?"

Lilac eyes blinked. "Well...okay, sure--why not?"

Trowa glanced at Wufei; they both broke into matching grins.

"Then we shall call it...Bubbles," Wufei announced mock-solemnly.

"*Bubbles*?" Duo shook his head, grinning as well. "I shoulda guessed--now we've got a full set of Powerpuff Peckers!"

"Oh, it's more than that," Trowa said, grin becoming a smirk. "There's good reason to name it Bubbles..."

"And why is that?"

Trowa & Wufei looked at each other, still grinning, and chorused, "'Cause it's so darn *cute*, that's why!"

Duo blinked. "'Cute'? *Cute*?" He snorted, unable to keep from smirking himself. "Up, you two. Get your butts in the bedroom and I'll show you just how 'cute' I can be..."


	4. Priceless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4x5  
> =====  
> Started: 2/28/03  
> Drafted: 3/1/03

Quatre stood fidgeting impatiently in the checkout line, glancing at his watch repeatedly. His guests would be arriving in a little over an hour, and then Wufei would be coming home--he needed to get back and get everything set up before then. But the woman in front of him had bought a ton of groceries, and now her payment wasn't going through.

Quatre sighed. He really should have chosen a different line. But then again, whichever line he got in always seemed to be the slowest...

Impatience wasn't going to make things move any faster. He blew a soft breath through his bangs and turned to the magazine rack above the temporarily stalled belt. He picked up a slim martial arts catalog, thumbing through it idly with Wufei's upcoming birthday in mind.

Ah yes, Wufei's birthday. That was yet another party he would have to plan; he'd done Heero & Trowa's engagement party and Relena's birthday not too long ago and had been very involved in both Rashid's and Auda's wedding receptions. And then there was tonight.

But tonight wasn't much of a party, really. Just an impromptu gathering of friends to surprise Wufei. And surprised he was certain to be. Embarrassed as well, in all likelihood; but surprised. Quatre smiled, remembering the conversation he'd had with his lover that morning over breakfast that had prompted this 'celebration.'

_"Wufei, do you recall the discussion we had the other night?"_

_"About my equipment being of a size to warrant a name of its own?"_

_Quatre nodded. "Yes, that one. I've been thinking..."_

_Wufei raised one eyebrow patiently. "Yes?"_

_"Well...would you mind if I called it Pookie?"_

_Wufei blinked. "Pookie?"_

_Quatre blushed slightly. "Yes. It just...it sticks in my head, and I keep coming back to it. I like it; do you think it's alright?"_

_Wufei smiled gently. "You may call it whatever you wish, Quatre."_

_"Then Pookie it is!" He leaned over and kissed Wufei soundly on the cheek._

Quatre glanced up to see the line had moved at last and the cashier was ringing him up. He dropped the magazine on the belt amidst the various snack items he was purchasing and pulled out his credit card. The logo caught his eye as he handed it over and he had to stifle a snicker as the company's commercials came back to him.

_Party favors from the adult superstore: 56 creds, he thought. Email invitations for the rest of the guys: Zero creds. Assorted snack foods: 23 creds. The look on Wufei's face when he finds out I've thrown 'Pookie' a christening party: Priceless!_


	5. Double Entendre

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1x5 & 2x3 veering toward three-or-four-way sex  
> =====  
> Started: 3/3/03  
> Drafted: 3/5/03

"So, 'Fei!" Duo bounced in and offered the Chinese youth a hi-five. "I hear you triumphed in the exhibition last night! And over *Heero*! Way to go, man!"

Wufei looked up from his book, a puzzled frown creasing his brow. "There was no exhibition last night, Duo."

"But...I heard Heero telling Trowa Shenlong kicked his ass last night..." Duo dropped his proffered hand, which had been ignored. 

"I *said* Shenlong *pounded* my ass, Duo. There *is* a difference." Heero spoke up from across the room, sounding oddly complacent.

Wufei flushed inexplicably.

"Pounded, kicked, what's the difference?" Duo shrugged.

"The difference is--" Trowa wandered in from the kitchen "--that he *wasn't* referring to the Gundam." He leaned up against a wall and grinned smugly. "I'd like to get *my* ass pounded by Shenlong at least once in my life."

Duo flashed a teasing pout at his lover. "What, don't I pound it well enough for y-- ohhhhhhhh." He glanced between Trowa, the smirking Heero, and the beet-red Wufei with dawning realization. "So you mean every time Heero carries on about 'the prowess of Shenlong' he's talking about your pe--"

"Maxwell!" Wufei looked absolutely mortified.

"I'm particularly fond of Shenlong's extendable reach myself." Heero sounded terribly smug; he stood and ambled over to ruffle Wufei's hair. "And I would *love* to share my...toys." His glance traveled appraisingly over Trowa.

Wufei drew up his knees, buried his face against them, and pulled his open book over his head. "I hate you, Yuy," he proclaimed, the words unconvincing and muffled from within his makeshift shelter.

Heero ignored him, still addressing Trowa. "I know for a fact that Shenlong badly wants a taste of *you*, as well."

"Yuy!" Wufei pulled his book down tighter.

Duo nudged the indignant and still-curled-in-on-himself boy. "Hey Wu--if Tro's gettin' free samples, do I get to watch?"

"Leave me alone, dammit!"

Heero motioned to the other two, who were both grinning like maniacs. "This way, gentlemen. It seems we have some details to discuss."

"Hold it." Wufei's head snapped up, his mortified demeanor falling away as he stood though a hint of color remained in his cheeks. He was still embarrassed, yes; but this was too good an opportunity to pass up. "Any arrangements involving Shenlong will be made *in* my presence, thank you." He advanced on Trowa and Duo and smiled disarmingly, which went very nicely with his blush.

"What Shenlong wants, Shenlong gets." He took one of their hands in each of his. "And Shenlong wants the *both* of you. Now." He jerked his head in Heero's direction. "*My* lover can do the watching." He tugged on their hands and led the astonished couple out.

Heero just laughed and followed.


End file.
